Ask Dr. Mac Blog

It is possible that a consensual relationship, even though it is between a supervisor and an employee, may not be against your organization’s policy, let alone considered to be “harassment.” It should state in your employee handbook and/or company policy manual whether or not such behavior is deemed inappropriate. If sexual relationship are not identified or prohibited in the workplace, then the real issue left is the awkwardness that this particular relationship is having on others. I’ll come back to that in a minute. If there is a policy that prohibits sexual relationships in the office, then HR has a responsibility to act. Keep in mind that just because you have not seen this situation get addressed by HR or your boss’s boss, doesn’t mean it is not being addressed. Again, is it in the policy manual or not?

In your brief description of the situation, I didn’t get the impression that you have talked to HR or, more importantly, to your boss about the situation. You asked what your next step is. Your next step is to do what you’d want someone who had a problem with you to do and that is to talk to you about it. So talk to him/her. Tell him/her what you believe to be true about his/her relationship with a coworker and let him/her know about the awkwardness that you feel as a result. I suggest you don’t go in as a representative of the group but instead only represent yourself. Let the others talk to him directly about their concerns themselves. It is the respectful thing to do. As you can tell, I’m not a big fan of going behind someone’s back to complain if you have not first talked to the person directly.

The fact that you’ve recently observed that you are becoming the kind of person that you don’t want to be is telling in itself. If you cannot override this and stay true to yourself while you buy time to get your license, then leaving would be the thing to do. You don’t want to carry an emotional scar around with you to future jobs if you don’t have to. Also, if you attitude is indeed changing for the worse, the odds of getting a favorable recommendation from your current management decreases by each day that you struggle to be there. And finally, since money is not an issue, why put yourself in such a negative, energy-draining situation any longer?

You mentioned that your company is in a “temporary” recruitment freeze. Should I assume that once that freeze is over that you will eventually be able to get back to a more balanced work demand?

It seems to me that it would be beneficial to have a discussion with your manager on this whole issue. In particular, addressing short-term versus long-term demands and expectations. If in fact your manager sees the increase in work responsibilities as merely a short-term situation that will resolve itself once the hiring freeze is over, then you have your answer and you’ll need to buck up for a short period of time. Not an unreasonable request, given our current economy.

If, however, the expectation is for you to assume responsibility for everything that is on your plate right now, then that’s a different discussion. My quick suggestion here would be to ask your manager to help you prioritize all the expectations and duties that you are responsible for, so that you can focus your time accordingly. With that said, I’d also encourage you to inquire about his/her thoughts on work-life balance in order to get an idea if you have support for further discussions on this issue or not.

What I didn’t see in your letter was what the issues your boss and coworkers are having with you. You mentioned that you’ve made some mistakes, including one mistake that lead to an informal warning. It sounds like you have contributed to some of these problems you are having, am I right?

You certainly can go to HR for “advice and coaching”. I mention this because you never want to go just with complaints. By asking for guidance, it shows that you want to be part of the solution. Given that, my guess is that they will ask you if you’ve brought your concerns to your supervisor? After all, your boss deserves the opportunity to address your concerns before you go over his head to HR.

So, have you brought your concerns about him and your coworkers to him?

Clearly, improving your relationship with your boss is critical, especially since you already have an “informal” warning on file from him. I suggest that you initiate a conversation with him (maybe even over coffee at a nearby coffee shop just to get away from the work space) where you can do two things:

First, let him know that you’d like to turn things around and improve your ways. In doing so, ask him for any additional feedback/suggestions he has that can help you improve as both an employee and as a coworker. This will show that you are sincere in improving your performance. Take whatever advice he gives you and be sure to work on improving in those areas.

Secondly, tell him what you need more of or less of from him in order to better perform at your job. Let him know why it is important to get the support you need from him. By doing this, you get him to commit to you as well, making your progress more of a partnership. What I would not suggest doing at this point is being critical of his past performance. If that conversation is still important to you to have with him, you’d be better off waiting until you are on more solid ground.

In regards to your coworkers, bring your professionalism and mutual respect to work and stay away from engaging in game-playing, talking behind coworkers’ back, and negative chit-chat. In other words, disengage a little from them socially while always be willing to help and support them on work-related projects. You become less of a target if stay professional and maintain your space from them. Is this something you think you can do?

I would also suggest that you stop whatever behavior that is causing problems for any of your coworkers. You are at a place where you need to improve your relationships in order to get back in good graces at your company. Turn the other cheek if you must, but stay away from office politics and any inappropriate behavior. And yes, I understand that your coworkers are participating in inappropriate behavior, but it is not serving you to get involved with all of that.

Hosanna, write again if you’d like to get into specifics about dealing with your coworkers. But first take care of your primary work relationship, with is with your boss.

My thoughts would be as follow:

First, I’d suggest you go out of your way to give daily pep talks to your team, both individually and as a group. This will serve two functions: 1) It will provide added support and empathy coming from you, and 2) it will help heighten their awareness of maintaining professionalism and staying in control during difficult calls.

Secondly, little things like surprising them with pizza for lunch or having the CEO stop by and acknowledge your team, can go a long way. What all of this really amounts to is increased attention and appreciation. Times of adversity can really pull people together, and your team should be no exception. Turn this difficult time into the “opposing team” per se and define what you will need from each and every member of the team in order to overcome this challenge. Ask people to step up, support each other, and to maintain a sense of calm during these rough seas (in case you need another metaphor).

Thirdly, humor in the workplace can really help as well. Perhaps a theme for every Friday where team members can dress up according to the theme (i.e., 60s attire or as nerds, etc.), might lighten things up and take the “edge” out of their day.

Lastly, have an award each day or each week for the team members who best handled a difficult investors call (or something along these lines). This puts the focus on “excellence” and gives everyone something to strive for. The bottom line: make them feel special by increasing the attention.

Employee reviews are annual or biannual meetings between you and your supervisor where your supervisor provides you with verbal and written feedback on your job performance. You should know that some companies tie the performance review to salary increases but some do not.

Some things you may want to find out ahead of time (by talking to your boss and/or peers):

a) Is a pay raise tied to performance reviews?
b) Will you have the opportunity to do a performance review on yourself as part of this process?
c) Because you are new, will you have been at the company long enough to even discuss a raise?
d) Will you have an opportunity to also provide your boss with feedback on his/her performance?
e) How can you best prepare for the review?

Nana, certainly the more prepared you are for your review, the easier it will be. I would suggest pulling your boss aside and asking him/her how you can best prepare for the review and what you should expect. That answer alone should supply you with all the information you need. Best of luck and let me know if you need anything else. You can also reach me on www.askdrmac.com.

Thanks for your question and back story. Let me throw some thoughts in.

Had Kim remembered that you said you were going to lunch, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because the situation wouldn’t have occurred. I’m also picking up that you are a very conscientious, dedicated and productive worker. And I’m guessing that there won’t be many situations where you’d be in a position to be confronted by your team leader again, mainly because you don’t seem the type to make many mistakes. I mention this because one option would be for you to chalk this incident up as a misunderstanding that’s been corrected and let it go. After all, you’ve only been there for a month and you may want to get a broader perspective of who your team lead is and how she “manages” others, instead of basing your opinion on this one incident. In other words, lets see how all of this evolves over a period of time and if the problem re-surfaces, then by all means address it.

However, if it goes away, you’ll be glad you held off on confronting this. If, on the other hand, this bothers you so much that it begins to negatively impact your working relationship with your team lead and you cannot let it go, then I’d suggest you do address it with her. The best way is to bring up the “misunderstanding” and to a) make sure she realizes that you did in fact notify Kim that you had left for lunch; and b) ask her, as a favor, to bring any future issues that she might have regarding you to you privately instead of in the open office environment. Tell her why this is important to you and thank her for her willingness to collaborate with you on this issue.

Go to www.askdrmac.com and print out the “Eight Simples Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships. It is free and has additional tips you may want to consider. Hope this helps.

I don’t think you are over-reacting at all. The act was immature and it was an invasion of privacy. Granted, these women were having fun and felt it was harmless, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior.

In this situation, the onus is now on your fiance to establish some boundaries with his coworkers between his personal and professional life. He doesn’t have to go overboard, but the cell phone is a great example here of personal property where a boundary should exist. It may be fun now to play with coworker’s cell phones and tease each other about personal information, but should a work relationship go astray, all that personal information that was once freely exchanged can backfire and be used for hurtful and detrimental reasons. I’m not trying to be an alarmist, but your fiance is better off not even putting himself at risk. There are many ways to have fun at work and connect with colleagues without having to cross that personal line.

If her boss doesn’t care how your supervisor treats you (which would be sad if that is really true), then I can see three options.

Option 1: Talking to your supervisor directly, as mentioned, is your best bet.

Option 2: Do your best at work and let go of worrying or thinking about the lying. You have to choose your battles and this may not be one of them.

Option 3: Begin applying for other jobs and eventually leave. I would suggest holding off on leaving until you feel you’ve tried everything you could possibly could do. Plus, given this economy, it would be better to already have a job before leaving this one.

Julie, if you do end up talking to your supervisor, I wouldn’t accuse her of lying. Instead, point out the contrary information and ask her if maybe you misunderstood her by accident. This gives her an out and will make her much less defensive and more willing to talk about it. However, if she feels like you are calling her a lier in any way, you will get her wrath and your relationship with her will be even worse than it is now. Not a place you want to be. I hope I’ve given you something to think about. Consider reading my article, “Eight Simple Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships” on my website: www.askdrmac.com. It is free.

I have two pieces of advice for you on this. First, let your work continue to speak for you in the workplace and avoid playing the “what’s in it for me” game. People can see through that pretty quickly. What do I mean? I mean that nobody can predict or give you a guarantee when a possible promotion or job opportunity will come available. You don’t even know if your supervisor will be around in a year. Things change pretty quickly in the corporate environment. Look how unstable the economic components of our country are right now.

What management looks for in a potential manager/supervisor is someone who works hard, but not because they are trying to impress someone or get noticed, but because that is simply their work ethic. Trust me, keep doing the hard work you are doing and know that the cream always rises to the top. You will benefit in one way or another. Even if a promotion doesn’t come your way initially, you can look in the mirror and know that you did your best. But please, don’t do things in order to get noticed or stand out. Don’t expect something in return for hard work. Just be a hard worker and let the chips fall where they may. By “not expecting anything in return,” you demonstrate that you are the kind of person that can be counted on in good times and in bad. A reliable employee who will always be there. That is how you’ll get promoted.

Secondly, I need to be real honest with you. You need to improve your writing skills. Look at what you wrote in your letter to me. The grammar needs a lot of improvement. Please know that I’m not trying to be critical, but practical. I’m also a graduate school professor. It will be important to improve upon this if you really want to move up in the company or any other. Consider contacting the nearby community colleges or attend a Fred Pryor or SkillPath workshop on writing skills. It will be the best investment of your time and pay off in the future. See if your company will pay for you to go or go yourself. Either way, consider it. If you need more information about Fred Pryor or SkillPath, simply google either name on the internet and you can find out more about the workshops are where they will be held.

Lucya, if one of my employees asked to attend a workshop or class on writing in order to improve their skills, I’d be very supportive of that, let alone impressed. Be that person!