I have worked in higher education myself as both an administrator and as a faculty member and can relate to the troubled situation you present. I see a couple of options here. You certainly could confront Jim in a private meeting (maybe offsite somewhere in a comfortable setting-i.e. coffee shop), revealing that you saw the email and have been troubled by it, along with Holly’s behavior, for some time. Let him know that you intent is to see if you can work this out together, but that things need to change and for the better. My hope is that since he essentially got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (you seeing the email), he will have an invested interest in correcting the problem.

The second option would be for you (and Jane if possible) to have a confidential meeting with Jim’s superior for the purpose of seeking guidance and advice on handling the situation. I wouldn’t suggest getting too specific or showing the email at this point, but merely seeking tutelage on how to best address the problem with Jim. Because Jim is the supervisor, it will be important to get him turned around and/or part of the solution as quickly as possible. Holly can be next but without Jim’s support, Holly may not see the importance of altering her behavior for you or the program. The key with the second option is not to expect Jim’s superior to address the situation. The key is to make him/her aware of it but to still take responsibility yourself in addressing the issue. You have an obligation to always take a concern about Jim to Jim first. That is why you are only seeking advice at this point from Jim’s superior.

Now, if Jim is non-receptive or unwilling to address your concern, then you need to let him know that you feel you need to escalate your concern to Jim’s superior. Make sure he hears you say that. You want to be up front about what you intend to do. And because you have already shared your concerns with Jim’s superior, you already have covered all your bases. My guess is that Jim won’t let it get to this point since it would not benefit him in any way.

I suggest going with the first option and talking directly to Jim in a private setting. If, for whatever reason, you don’t feel comfortable or safe in doing that, then go to the second option. Since Jane is leaving, make sure that you address your concerns about working with Holly and Jim and defining the relationship you want to have in the future with the both of them. Don’t spend a lot of time talking about Jane since that will keep you in the past and you need to focus on the future. Hope that helps a bit. I’ve been stung by the politics in higher ed and know how that can hurt. That is why you want to play this above board.

Although quitting may currently not be an option, I hope you are still keeping an eye out for a similar position somewhere else. Putting up with a dysfunctional boss can add a tremendous amount of stress on your life. At some point you’ll have to ask yourself if it is worth it. I suggest identifying a boundary for yourself that will help you know when he and the dysfunction of your work environment has gone too far. Just having that defined will help your patience and tolerance level.

My guess is that your boss doesn’t take to kindly to feedback or criticism, even know he asks for it. True? If that is the case, then instead of questioning his decisions, make a suggestion that benefits you, the company and him. If you can make a suggestion for improvement that fits within all three areas, it will be hard for him to say no or put down the idea, since he and the company benefit. This is called “managing up.” The key is to make it a suggestion and to backed it up with all the benefits of the idea. Since there is no criticism in the suggestion, you should not see any defensiveness but actual openness to the idea. This may take a little trial and error on your part, but eventually he’ll see your suggestions as good ones and will begin seeking out your advice.

It would be great to also eventually do some teambuilding with your boss and the employees where an outside facilitator could help get the group to address barriers to high performance. This could lead to some group feedback for him, but done under a very supportive manner. Of course your boss has to see value in such a process and be willing to bring in an outside facilitator. Once you have the confidence of your boss, you might introduce the idea as a way to improve teamwork. Again, if it is sold as a benefit, his receptivity should be there.

The teambuilding idea is a more “advanced” strategy. For now, focus on your own relationship with him and encourage others to do the same. If everyone learns how to “manage up,” you may be able to create small wins and slowly shape his behavior. Lastly, if nothing works and he is still a jerk, remember where your boundary is so that you know when enough is enough.

Quite a story. Let me give you some feedback on your questions.

First, did the supervisor handle the situation appropriately? You are right when you say she should have talked individually (or even together) with you and the other party. As a conflict mediator myself, I always get both sides of the story before taking the next step (whatever that might be). I will say that the supervisor did fine taking control of the situation and addressing it later on with the group, without signaling out individuals. She probably figured that since the class was ending, there was no point in getting too involved in the situation since the players wouldn’t be around each other in the future. Yes, she should have talked with you, especially after saying she would, but overall I can’t fault her actions. I wouldn’t be saying that if you guys worked together on her staff, but since it was a temporary situation, she did enough to get by. That’s also why it probably wasn’t important to her to sit down with both of you. She just needed to put the fire out. And, since you may have looked like the aggressor when she walked in the kitchen, she pulled you out.

In regards to the person who turned on you after you went out of your way to be friends…, I would suggest you don’t spend too much time working yourself up on that one. That person could have been having a bad day or maybe had a fight with a spouse or just found out a loan didn’t go through, etc., and you just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back on that day. What I want you to focus on is being the person that you want to be and don’t let other people dictate that for you. If you want to be the kind of person who accepts everyone, brings gifts, and always has something nice to say, then be that person and be that person all the time, regardless what you get back from others. After all, it really is not about them, it is about you. Know that there are people out there who can be mean and insensitive. Some are sarcastic. Some project their negativity on others. That won’t go away. The only constant in life is showing up (all the time) as the person you most want to be. If that means turning the other cheek, then do it.

Lastly, I would suggest you go back and complete your three weeks there. The supervisor did what she thought was best. Don’t be mad at her for not hearing your side of the story. Life is not easy, but all the challenges make us stronger. Going back is a challenge that will make you stronger. Hope that helps.

Thanks for writing. It sounds like it is advantageous for this relationship with your supervisor to work for many reasons. I can also understand why you are feeling pretty frustrated right now, given the status of the working relationship as it currently stands. In your last sentence you asked if there were any laws to protect you for the abuse you have been feeling from your supervisor. Although I would need to know more about the actual behavior and comments of your boss that you feel were abusive to you, I’m not sure anything you mentioned falls under harassment or a hostile work environment. A hostile work environment harassment occurs when unwelcome comments or conduct based on sex, race or other legally protected characteristics unreasonably interferes with an employee’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. With that said, also know that federal law does not prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not extremely serious. Rather, the conduct must be so objectively offensive as to alter the conditions of the individual’s employment. If you feel that your supervisor’s comments and/or behavior were offensively based on sex, race, or other legally protected characteristics and have interfered with your work performance, then you would have the right to report any of these incidents of harassment immediately to your supervisor’s supervisor. If we are not talking about harassment, but more about a strained relationship and poor management skills, then let’s look at some other options.

First, the more informal approach: Initiate a meeting over coffee or see if you can get her to go out to lunch with you. You want an informal setting and a neutral location if at all possible. Tell her the reason for getting together is so that you can develop a more effective working relationship with her and support her better. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to correct whatever the problem is between the two of you. It is not about who is right or wrong or who needs to apologize, etc. It is about getting the issue out on the table and creating solutions around the problem. Begin the conversation by telling her how important it is to you to have an effective working relationship with her and that you’d like some feedback on what you can do differently to make this happen. Hopefully, she’ll have some feedback for you. Then, let her know what she could do that would be helpful to you. Always state these things in a positive way and avoid criticism. Again, hopefully she’ll be receptive to your suggestions as well. Finally, summarize any commitments made and agree to move forward with your working relationship.

Now, if she is not receptive to talking this out with you, then you are down to three choices. Choice 1: Let it go. That’s right, do your best, always be professional and responsible with her, but let go of trying to fix this. She may come around later as long as your behavior isn’t contributing to this problem. Choice 2: Quit. You always have this option, even if you would rather not use it. And Choice 3: Escalate the issue to her boss. The best way to do this politically is by telling your supervisor that you intend to talk to her boss about intervening in this problematic situation. By telling her before doing it, you are covering your bases and not doing anything underhanded. Oftentimes, this in itself with get your supervisor’s attention since she may not want to deal with this issue if her boss is also involved. Then, go to your supervisor’s boss and approach him/her with a request for some guidance and possible assistance. You always want to come in with solutions and/or a willingness to resolve the problem versus dumping it on his/her desk. Since you have already tried talking with your supervisor, what you really want here is to initiate a meeting between you and your supervisor but with your supervisor’s boss present (as a facilitator or mediator). If you get this far, the conversation should look different, given the addition of your supervisor’s boss in the room. Laurel, hopefully she’ll just talk to you over coffee instead of forcing your hand with this whole mess. Either way, I’ve given you every option I can think of. Best of luck and let me know what happens.

It is frustrating to be treated the way you were treated by your supervisor. I can’t blame you for being so mad that you decided to quit. The good news is that you don’t have to take that kind of abuse anymore. The bad news is “you” paid the price for his poor management abilities instead of him.

Truthfully, I wish you did say something to him. Supervisors who lack management skills typically only learn by making mistakes (which oftentimes is quite frequent). By not confronting him, he may not learn the necessary lesson he needs to learn. He may even think his behavior is fine since no one is saying anything. And his supervisor may even think he’s doing a good job since he also is not getting any complaints. Hence, you may have actually reinforced the dysfunction by not saying anything.

My advice (for the future) would be to make quitting a job your ultimate last resort to a difficult situation instead of your first resort. And before even considering quitting, take some active steps to address the situation. Then, and only then, consider leaving if that doesn’t work. Lastly, know that you never have to put up with abusive behavior. Practice standing up for yourself and drawing the line in the sand as to what is and is not appropriate when it comes to how someone treats you. And I’m not just talking about the workplace here. Bosses who are bullies will back down if they realize an employee will stand up to their bullying behavior. Its when people back down that these bullies think their behavior works.

Chalk this up as a lesson learned and be prepared to say something to the next bully that comes around. There are diplomatic ways to ask supervisors to change their behavior that won’t put you in a vulnerable position. Another conversation for another time. Hope that helps a bit.

I’m going to address part of your question now and the other part after I confer with my colleague who specializes in wage and hour areas of the law.

I’m unclear about a couple of things. You are referring to your “boss” throughout your comments, yet at one point mention your supervisor as well. Clearly they are not the same person, so which one directly supervises you? Also, are you being docked pay because you have been asked to leave early or are you getting your full paycheck, regardless when you are asked to leave?

In reference to your boss, although he seems pretty inept at managing, I’m not sure anything you mentioned falls under harassment or a hostile work environment. A hostile work environment harassment occurs when unwelcome comments or conduct based on sex, race or other legally protected characteristics unreasonably interferes with an employee’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. With that said, also know that federal law does not prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not extremely serious. Rather, the conduct must be so objectively offensive as to alter the conditions of the individual’s employment.

If you feel that your boss’s comments and/or behavior were offensively based on sex, race, or other legally protected characteristics and have interfered with your work performance, then you would have the right to report any of these incidents of harassment immediately to his supervisor. If we are not talking about harassment, but more about poor management skills, then let’s look at some other options.

First, the more informal approach: Initiate a meeting with your boss and start by apologizing for calling corporate. Tell him you were trying to better understand your obligation around signing or not signing the performance review and not to report him or complain about him. Then, ask him what he would do if he received a performance review that he didn’t agree with? Using this as a lead-in, share with him your concern about the inaccuracy of his review. Ask if he’d be willing to a) provide you with timely feedback in the future, instead of surprising you with feedback on the performance review; b) discuss the review with you before submitting a finalized version. That way you could have some input into the process. If you make any progress whatsoever here, then you can tackle the “leaving early” issue. If he is not receptive at all to this type of conversation, you’ll have to play some hardball instead. My suggestion: Escalate the issue to his boss. The best way to do this politically is by telling your boss that you intend to talk to his boss about intervening in this problematic situation. By telling him before doing it, you are covering your bases and not doing anything underhanded. Oftentimes, this in itself with get your boss’s attention since he may not want to deal with this issue if his supervisor is also involved. Then, go to your boss’s supervisor and approach him/her with a request for some guidance and possible assistance. You always want to come in with solutions and/or a willingness to resolve the problem versus dumping it on his/her desk. Since you have already tried talking with your boss, what you really want here is to initiate a meeting between you and your boss but with your boss’s supervisor present (as a facilitator or mediator). If you get this far, the conversation should look different, given the addition of your boss’s supervisor in the room.

Harry, hopefully he’ll just talk to you upon your first attempt instead of forcing your hand with this whole mess. Either way, it is critical you attempt to talk to him first before pushing the issue up to his supervisor. It might be uncomfortable to do this, but it would be worse if you stayed and put up with his current behavior. I need to know the answers to the questions I asked before I can check into the legality of telling you to go home early.

Thanks for writing. Clearly you need to have a talk with your supervisor. It sounds like three things have happened. First, your relationship has changed with your supervisor, and not for the better. In fact, your comment about not trusting her anymore suggests to me that you have hurt feelings about this as well. Second, she is questioning your work processes and has unfairly written you up for a mistake you made. And third, you have a coworker who went to your boss with a problem about you instead of you directly.

Right now, I suggest you take a “baby-step” by initiating a meeting with your supervisor and ask her what you need to do to get your working relationship with her back on track. Let her know that you are committed to doing the best job you can and supporting her in any way possible. Then take her advice and focus on doing the best job possible. Forget about hurt feelings or paying any attention to who in the office are friends and who are not. You need to focus on the job and improving your relationship with your supervisor.

I also would recommend that you not give your coworkers anything to cause them to complain to your supervisor about. You might even forge a relationship with that particular coworker who complained about you so that they feel comfortable taking any feedback about you to you in the future. If you are perceived as willing and wanting to improve your relationship with coworkers as well, people will be more encouraged to approach you directly. Another way to ensure this happens is by asking others if there is anything you could do to work better or more efficiently with them.

Wanda, I’m guessing there are some things you are doing that are problematic for others, causing the scenario you described in your letter. Take responsibility to change what you can change and be consistent in how you work with everyone. If you can take the steps I’ve outlined above, you should be able to get things back on track in no time.