It is possible that a consensual relationship, even though it is between a supervisor and an employee, may not be against your organization’s policy, let alone considered to be “harassment.” It should state in your employee handbook and/or company policy manual whether or not such behavior is deemed inappropriate. If sexual relationship are not identified or prohibited in the workplace, then the real issue left is the awkwardness that this particular relationship is having on others. I’ll come back to that in a minute. If there is a policy that prohibits sexual relationships in the office, then HR has a responsibility to act. Keep in mind that just because you have not seen this situation get addressed by HR or your boss’s boss, doesn’t mean it is not being addressed. Again, is it in the policy manual or not?

In your brief description of the situation, I didn’t get the impression that you have talked to HR or, more importantly, to your boss about the situation. You asked what your next step is. Your next step is to do what you’d want someone who had a problem with you to do and that is to talk to you about it. So talk to him/her. Tell him/her what you believe to be true about his/her relationship with a coworker and let him/her know about the awkwardness that you feel as a result. I suggest you don’t go in as a representative of the group but instead only represent yourself. Let the others talk to him directly about their concerns themselves. It is the respectful thing to do. As you can tell, I’m not a big fan of going behind someone’s back to complain if you have not first talked to the person directly.

Thanks for your question and back story. Let me throw some thoughts in.

Had Kim remembered that you said you were going to lunch, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because the situation wouldn’t have occurred. I’m also picking up that you are a very conscientious, dedicated and productive worker. And I’m guessing that there won’t be many situations where you’d be in a position to be confronted by your team leader again, mainly because you don’t seem the type to make many mistakes. I mention this because one option would be for you to chalk this incident up as a misunderstanding that’s been corrected and let it go. After all, you’ve only been there for a month and you may want to get a broader perspective of who your team lead is and how she “manages” others, instead of basing your opinion on this one incident. In other words, lets see how all of this evolves over a period of time and if the problem re-surfaces, then by all means address it.

However, if it goes away, you’ll be glad you held off on confronting this. If, on the other hand, this bothers you so much that it begins to negatively impact your working relationship with your team lead and you cannot let it go, then I’d suggest you do address it with her. The best way is to bring up the “misunderstanding” and to a) make sure she realizes that you did in fact notify Kim that you had left for lunch; and b) ask her, as a favor, to bring any future issues that she might have regarding you to you privately instead of in the open office environment. Tell her why this is important to you and thank her for her willingness to collaborate with you on this issue.

Go to www.askdrmac.com and print out the “Eight Simples Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships. It is free and has additional tips you may want to consider. Hope this helps.

If her boss doesn’t care how your supervisor treats you (which would be sad if that is really true), then I can see three options.

Option 1: Talking to your supervisor directly, as mentioned, is your best bet.

Option 2: Do your best at work and let go of worrying or thinking about the lying. You have to choose your battles and this may not be one of them.

Option 3: Begin applying for other jobs and eventually leave. I would suggest holding off on leaving until you feel you’ve tried everything you could possibly could do. Plus, given this economy, it would be better to already have a job before leaving this one.

Julie, if you do end up talking to your supervisor, I wouldn’t accuse her of lying. Instead, point out the contrary information and ask her if maybe you misunderstood her by accident. This gives her an out and will make her much less defensive and more willing to talk about it. However, if she feels like you are calling her a lier in any way, you will get her wrath and your relationship with her will be even worse than it is now. Not a place you want to be. I hope I’ve given you something to think about. Consider reading my article, “Eight Simple Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships” on my website: www.askdrmac.com. It is free.

I have two pieces of advice for you on this. First, let your work continue to speak for you in the workplace and avoid playing the “what’s in it for me” game. People can see through that pretty quickly. What do I mean? I mean that nobody can predict or give you a guarantee when a possible promotion or job opportunity will come available. You don’t even know if your supervisor will be around in a year. Things change pretty quickly in the corporate environment. Look how unstable the economic components of our country are right now.

What management looks for in a potential manager/supervisor is someone who works hard, but not because they are trying to impress someone or get noticed, but because that is simply their work ethic. Trust me, keep doing the hard work you are doing and know that the cream always rises to the top. You will benefit in one way or another. Even if a promotion doesn’t come your way initially, you can look in the mirror and know that you did your best. But please, don’t do things in order to get noticed or stand out. Don’t expect something in return for hard work. Just be a hard worker and let the chips fall where they may. By “not expecting anything in return,” you demonstrate that you are the kind of person that can be counted on in good times and in bad. A reliable employee who will always be there. That is how you’ll get promoted.

Secondly, I need to be real honest with you. You need to improve your writing skills. Look at what you wrote in your letter to me. The grammar needs a lot of improvement. Please know that I’m not trying to be critical, but practical. I’m also a graduate school professor. It will be important to improve upon this if you really want to move up in the company or any other. Consider contacting the nearby community colleges or attend a Fred Pryor or SkillPath workshop on writing skills. It will be the best investment of your time and pay off in the future. See if your company will pay for you to go or go yourself. Either way, consider it. If you need more information about Fred Pryor or SkillPath, simply google either name on the internet and you can find out more about the workshops are where they will be held.

Lucya, if one of my employees asked to attend a workshop or class on writing in order to improve their skills, I’d be very supportive of that, let alone impressed. Be that person!

Given that, I suggest you complete your agreed upon obligation with them. Remember, you next potential employer will want references and your job history. If they discover you left your present company on a bad note and didn’t complete your obligation, they will be very concerned about hiring you. You don’t want that.

Secondly, always do your important conversations in person. That includes resigning. It is the respectful thing to do and you do owe that to your employer. The same thing applied for things like working through a conflict with someone or even ending a relationship with someone you’ve been dating. Because you didn’t do that, it is all the more reason to make things right before leaving them.

Lastly, I seriously doubt your boss would take the time, let along spend any money, on taking you to court. It would be one thing if you were in management and had been working there for a long time. But you are new and are not harming the company very much by leaving. Plus you’ve made an agreement already that shows he is not sticking to the policy. Hence, it would not be to his advantage or the company to pursue any problems via the court system, at least with you. Regardless, you still need to complete your obligation for the reasons stated above.

You mentioned twice in your letter that you felt you were doing a “good job.” In the workplace, there are two primary factors that ultimately determine if an employee is doing a “good job” or not. They are:
1. Your ability to get your work done in a timely manner and with excellence, and
2. Your ability to “play well” with others, especially your manager.

Tom, from what I can tell from your letter, you seem to be excelling at #1. However, I’m not getting the impression that you are excelling at #2. In fact, I’m guessing that the reason you were pulled into a meeting with HR and your supervisor was because of #2. If that is true, you’ve got some work to do.

Some thoughts: First, let go of the anger. I’m basing this on the words you used, like “hung,” “shot,” “clueless,” and “caught up in emotion” (some words deleted from this letter). When someone uses words like these, it usually means they “feel” that way. Ironically, you mentioned that all female managers you’ve had were “caught up in emotion.” Don’t look now, but I think that applies to you as well.

Secondly, whether you like it or not, it is to your advantage to work out whatever needs to be worked out between you and your manager. Even if you have to bite your tongue from time to time, having an effective working relationship with your supervisor is always important.

Another incentive for you might be the fact that documentation of your behavior has already begun, as evident by your meeting with HR. What also was most likely noted in that documentation was your willingness to cooperate or not. I’m hoping you at least did that.

Tom, you need to sit down with your supervisor and have her spell out both productivity expectations and “how” the two of you can effectively work together. By spelling this out, you will know what you need to do to meet her expectations, thereby giving you a little more space and peace of mind at work. I can’t emphasize how important this is. If there is too much tension, then ask HR (and/or her supervisor) to sit in with you.

Lastly, always be professional in the office; and I’m especially talking about office chit-chat around the water cooler. Do not, under any circumstance, say negative or critical things about your manager in the office at any time. You need to go the high road here. If you can do that, plus define the expectations with your manager, you should be fine over time. It might be painful at first, but in the long run it will be worth it. I’m assuming you wanted honest and direct feedback, correct?

It sounds like you previously had a supervisor who was able to be a buffer between you and the CEO, allowing you to have some independence and not much interaction with the CEO. Now, not only has your “buffer” disappeared, but now you have to deal directly with the CEO and his micro-managing ways. Yuck!

Here’s the thing, you aren’t going to be able to change the erratic and impulsive management style and the micro-managing of the CEO. I’m guessing that he feels these are effective strategies that have benefited him over the years. Given that, all you can do is learn to “manage up” with him. Allow me to explain: Managing up means making win-win suggestions to your CEO that benefit both you and your CEO. To do this, first identify what needs of yours are not being met by your CEO as well as what behaviors of his are simply an annoyance, but don’t actually impact your ability to get your work done. I mention this because you don’t want to be spending any time nor energy on annoyances. Your time is too valuable for that. Let these go. What you want to focus on is your unmet needs that are hindering your ability to get your work done. In other words, what do you need “more of” from your CEO in order to be more productive. This could be things like having more independence, or having more input, or sticking with decisions once agreed upon.

Once you’ve identified what you need more of from your CEO, then think about what the benefits would be to both you and him if you got those needs met. Then, initiate a meeting, or incorporate this into an already existing meeting, and ask for what you need. As you do this, be sure to point out the benefit to him as well.

Here is an example: “Do you mind if I make a request? What can I do to gain your trust so that you don’t feel like you have to continually check on me to see if I’m doing the work that you passed on to me? I want you to be able to count on me but I don’t feel like I’m getting a chance to prove myself.” In this case, you’d be asking your CEO to not only spell out what a trusting relationship would look like but you’d be getting him to begin to trust you. Hence the win-win. Plus, making a request is much more effective that delivering a criticism to your boss. Granted this is a hypothetical situation, but hopefully you get the idea.

In summary, only take on the issues that impede your ability to get your work done, and let the rest go.

Why do you think your boss is disallowing office chit-chat? Has there been reason in the past for him to take such a strong stance, or is he simply over-controlling and distrustful? I ask because his behavior does seem a bit extreme and I’m wondering if something caused this?

In regards to the legal question, there’s a big difference between what is illegal and what is just plain unfair. The fact that your boss treats ALL employees similarly, equally good or equally bad, usually does not give rise to a discrimination case. It just means you have a bad, and perhaps paranoid, boss. I do have one consideration for you, where your boss may be overstepping the bounds of lawful behavior: The National Labor Relations Act, a federal law that covers unionized and non-unionized private workplaces, and many states’ laws, make it unlawful to curb employees’ right to engage in “protected concerted activity.” While a boss may keep employees from discussions that distract from work being done, a boss generally cannot limit an employee’s ability to discuss the terms and conditions of work, e.g., salary, benefits, safety issues, in non-working time. In other words, employees have the right to gripe on their own time (during breaks, at lunch, and after work). What this means for you and your fellow employees is that your boss cannot disallow socialization and discussions regarding the conditions of work during your breaks and at lunch, but he can do it while you are working, as sad as that may be.

With that said, such demands on the part of your boss can create an unfavorable work environment for everyone and eventually lead to low morale, a lack of motivation, and bad attitudes amongst the workforce; all factors that will end up hurting your boss in the long run. Hopefully he will come to this conclusion on his own, but don’t count on it.

My first suggestion would be for the group to raise this concern to your boss at the next staff meeting. I mention this because he needs to have the opportunity to hear the concerns and reply to them before you do anything else. Who knows, you might even get lucky and be able to convince him to lighten up on the chit-chat restriction.

If he is not open to changing his ways and/or negotiating with you and your coworkers (i.e., in return for lightening up on the chit-chat restrictions, each of you will promise to be productive, efficient, and get all of your work done in a timely manner, etc.), then let him know that you intend to escalate this issue to his supervisor and/or HR. By telling him your intentions, you show him that you mean business. Of course, before you do this, you’d want to decide as a group if this issue is truly disturbing enough that you’d be willing to take it to his boss and/or HR? If it is, then you know what to do. But, if it is more of an annoyance than anything else, you may want to still bring it up as a group to him but not push it if he is resistant to the feedback. To me, you have to choose your battles and this may not be one of them. Your call. Beginning December 4th, you can call the Ask Dr. Mac talk radio show with any other concerns by going to www.latalkradio.com.

It is unfortunate when your supervisor threatens to write you up for allegedly not meeting your quota for a given time period. Normally, a write up is a last resort to a behavioral problem. The fact that it seems to be your supervisor’s first response leads me to believe that you might be right about her using scare tatics and intimidation. Not good. You did mention that on both occasions you were able to pull off a tour on the same day that you got written up. Was that a coincidence or did you suddenly get motivated to hussle a tour because you knew that you were about to get written up? If, in fact, it took a potential write up to get you motivated, then your supervisor has a legitimate gripe and a write up could be warranted. Also, it doesn’t help your case to point out other employees who are more deserving of a write up. It cheapens your argument because you are not standing up and accepting responsibility. Forget about what does or doesn’t happen with other employees. This is about you and your supervisor. Finally, I don’t get the impression that this is your dream job and agree with you that you should keep looking for something that is a better fit. In the meantime, try to bring in tours prior to the last day so you can avoid all this drama. It is probably the easiest short-term solution and it keeps your supervisor off your back.

-Dr. Mac