Ask Dr. Mac » Problem with a peer

Workplace bullying

Monday, January 19th, 2009

Dr. Mac,

I am a marketing professional/copywriter working in an in-house ad agency with two other designers and a creative
supervisor (our boss). I have been at the company for two years and within a few weeks of starting there, one of the
graphic designers (who was the only designer at the time-we’ve since hired the second) began belittling me in front of our clients. This has continued to get worse over the course of the past two years.

He is in no way my boss (we’re equals on the company food chain and perform two very different, but related functions). However, he acts like he is my boss. And a bad boss at that. He has called me stupid, incompetent, unqualified (all unfounded and untrue) and has demanded to see my job description because he was convinced I had “no business working on any creative concepts.” (This is not true, as that is what I was hired for). He continually bosses me around, tells me my ideas impede his creative process and generally doesn’t allow me to contribute to the creative process. If I try, he causes a scene by degrading
my work and my value to company in front of other people.

Our boss was actually in one particular meeting where the designer called me stupid and incompetent and demanded my job description. And while my boss agreed with what I said and that I was, in fact, right, and my co-worker was wrong, my co-worker did not even get in trouble for the way he treated me. This was about three months after I started working there. And now, it is out of control. To the point where other people are noticing and it has undermined my ability to get work done because he is always trying to take my work from me. (He has also passed off my work as his, which is par for the course in advertising land, but still annoying and wrong.)

When the new designer started, he immediately told the new designer to not listen to anything I say (fortunately, the
new designer didn’t listen to him) and every project we were all on together was nothing short of agony for me. The
nastiness and bullying, telling me what to do when he has no place doing that, telling me my ideas are bad or stupid
and then stealing them as his own…the list goes on.

I’m the only person he does this to. He has clearly singled me out at his target and is as nice as pie to everyone else (but I have heard rumors that he badmouths me to anyone who will listen- they are just rumors, though, but I wouldn’t put it past him).

I’m at the point where I’m ready to quit. Our boss hasn’t done anything about it and it’s getting worse. I’m not sure if HR would be any better. What advice can you give me in this situation? Am I wrong in thinking that I’m being bullied or harassed? Thank you.

~Sherie

Sherie,

Thanks for your letter.

Have you stood up to this other designer and demanded he stop? Is he picking on you because you are a woman or are there other reasons you’ve become the focus of his abuse? Have you demanded to your supervisor to address this issue? Have you talked with HR? And, have you enabled this guy over the years by taking his abuse and not standing up for yourself?

The picture you paint in your letter is pretty bad. If the situation is like you say it is, then by all means come out fighting instead of quitting. The first place is to confront the designer and demand that you get treated with respect from this point on or else you’ll escalate this to the supervisor, HR, your supervisor’s supervisor and possibly even the EEOC. If he persists, then go up the chain and demand action.

What I’m struggling with here is disbelief that no one in your organization has addressed the situation. How can this go on for two years without being addressed by you, your supervisor, your supervisor’s supervisor, HR and coworkers. If I had an s.o.b. in my office who bad mouthed another employee, I’d say something to him/her and possibly their boss after a while. How is it that everyone else is putting up with such inappropriate behavior? Either the whole organization is pretty dysfunctional or maybe you are exaggerating this a bit?

Nevertheless, it needs to stop, and you need to be the one to address it first and directly with the designer. Failure to do this will only reinforce the behavior…which is what “enabling” is.

-Dr. Mac
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Posted in Problem with a peer | Post a Question | No Comments »

Sharing salary information

Monday, January 19th, 2009

Dr. Mac,

I recently got a job offer that I have been dying to get. I have a friend who helped refer me to the employer and probably had a lot to do with me getting hired. When I told him I took the job offer, he asked if they told me what I was going to be getting paid. I thought for a minute and decided it wouldn’t hurt to tell him. I heard later this company has a policy about not sharing salary information. He doesn’t seem like the type to share it with anyone else and he wasn’t too bothered with how much I’d be making, even though it was more. In fact he said he expected it to be more than what he got to start with. Now I’m really worried that I’ll get fired for telling him. Is this something to actually worry that much about. Have alot of people been fired for this type of thing. I would like to just relax and focus more on starting the job in 2 weeks.
-Sam

Hi Sam.

I suggest sharing your concerns with your friend whom you gave that information to in order to make sure he is mindful of not saying anything to anyone about your salary information. That alone should make you feel more comfortable.

I also think you have nothing to worry about since you provided that information before you started working there and before you went through employee orientation where the policies are explained.

-Dr. Mac

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Posted in Problem with a peer | Post a Question | No Comments »

He took my money!

Sunday, January 18th, 2009

Dear Dr. Mac-

This last week I was heading home from work. I bought my train ticket, and a co-worker reaches into the machine, and hands me my ticket and steals my money. My question to you is how best to deal with this type of a situation. Thanks. Charlie–

Hey Charlie.

You have to decide if, in the scheme of things, this is an important enough issue to pursue. Is the person who took the money important to you? Will you be working with him much in the future? And, was the amount of money enough to justify a confrontation? I mention this because you have to choose your battles and let the rest go. Life is too short to waste energy on issues that are not worth your time.

Secondly, did you say something at the time the incident occurred? If so, what was the response? If not, why not?

Lastly, if you decide that you need to confront the situation, then my suggestion would be to approach this person by refreshing their memory of the incident (as you perceived it) and politely ask, “Did did you take my money?” The key is not to accuse but to simply ask. Be prepared from anything from the truth to an outright lie. Regardless what their response back to you is, be the bigger person here and let them know that if they need to borrow money in the future, all they have to do is ask. Tell him that you’d rather help them out than have to have awkward conversations like this one.

Should it happen again, you may need to consult with your supervisor.

Authentically,

Dr. Mac

Posted in Problem with a peer | Post a Question | No Comments »

Team member who misses deadlines

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Dear Dr. Mac,

I am a Project Manager at a small company, and I am having trouble dealing with one of the team members that just so happens to be a friend. He is very intelligent, well liked, and excels at many aspects of his job with one glaring exception…time management. His work is always late or finished at the last possible minute. This has gone on unchecked (although not unnoticed) for years for two reasons:

a) He is his Department Director’s favorite and, b) has always been supported by a team of enablers. In order for projects to get finished on time, someone usually ends up stepping in to do his work. I count myself as probably one of the worst offenders, and acknowledge that I have helped create this very situation.

Fast-forward one year and the pattern just keeps on repeating. He promises to change, but doesn’t. I become resentful, then end up complaining (I hate that I do this) and going to my boss or (recently) his. Every iteration ends with us further straining our work relationship and friendship. -Christine

Hi Christine.

Thank you for such a well-written scenario. I’m very impressed with yoru writing and your assessment of the situation you presented.

A couple of things:

There are four main personality types. One type in particular works best under pressure. In fact, they have difficulty with a lot of planning time and have a tendency to wait until they are up against a deadline before taking action. Believe it or not, they tend to work better under these conditions. I think the adrenaline rush is part of it, myself. They tend to be very “in the moment” people and can get distracted easily. They also have short attention spans and resist control by others. A structured environment with deadlines, meetings, and continuous updates expected from them, can create a lot of stress for these types. If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs, they would have an “S” and a “P” as two of their four letters.

My sense is that your colleague falls into this personality grouping. For project managers, like yourself, you need constant communication, updates, and team members who are not afraid to ask for help or, at the very least, admit they cannot meet a deadline “before” the deadline hits. Just from what you’ve told me, I can see the obvious conflict that would occur here between not just the two of you, but between your colleague and anyone else that is trying to work within the framework of a project where you have to rely on each other.

I can also sense your saddness in what feels like a loss of a friend. For you, that is probably the biggest part of all of this. Unfortunately, the answer lies within you colleague, as he/she needs to step up his work ethic and adjust to a structured environment. This blending of friendship and professional colleague only works when the work relationship is not in jeopardy. But it is in jeopardy, and consequences are soon to follow.

What all of this means is that you are going to have to practice “tough love” with this person. In other words, let go of helping them, enabling them, and even to some degree, caring for them. It means changing your relationship by creating clear boundaries of what you will and won’t do to help them succeed. Until this person finds it within themself to rise up, collaborate, communicate, and rely on others, nothing will change. Unfortunately, this may mean letting them fail and face the consequences. That’s what tough love is…the willingness to let another fail in hopes that they will gain the necessary insight and motivation to learn from their mistakes, on their own.

It is the friendship you have with this person that will make this difficult, yet all the more important. I would also hope that his/her supervisor is laying down the law as well so that the message is coming from multiple sources.

Christine, if this person is a true friend, then they will level with you and show a vulnerable side. If not, they may not be the friend that you think they are.

-Dr. Mac

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Do I go to the boss about a coworker?

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Dear Dr. Mac,

I went to a sales presentation as a back up for a coworker. At that presentation, my coworker made inappropriate remarks, seemed flustered at points and showed propriatary information to the client(which the client pointed out by saying, “You shouldn’t be showing me this.”). I jumped in at various points to salvage any points I could, especially when my coworker was on the floor picking up all the folders and papers she dropped.

This is not my account but I don’t want the company to lose it because of my coworker. Should I go to our boss? If this account decides to go elsewhere with their business I don’t want to be blamed for her poor performance. I can also see her being vindictive if I “tattle”.

-Marty

Hi Marty.

What would you want a coworker to do with you if the tables were turned? Probably pull you aside and talk with you before going to the boss, right?

My suggestion would be for you to invite her to talk with you to do a “debrief” of the meeting. Ask her what worked, what didn’t, and what would she do differently the next time. The purpose of this is to give you coworker an opportunity to self-assess before you add your feedback. It will also tell you how self-aware she is and if she is learning from her mistakes.

After she has shared her perspective, give yours. Begin with what you thought went well along with the areas that could be improved. Share a story of a past mistake that you made and how you grew from overcoming it. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her in the future.

At this point, you’ve reached out and offered her help. If she declines it or if her behavior doesn’t improve with clients, then, and only then, would you want to confer with your boss. I’m guessing that the client would raise a concern directly with your boss as well and your coworker would be identified at that point in time. Then it would be out of your hands and where it needs to be, between your coworker and your boss.

The bottom line here is, try to help her first. If it does work out, then you’ve done a great thing. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you made the attempt, and that was the respectful thing to do.

-Dr. Mac

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Evil Coworkers!

Thursday, January 15th, 2009

When I read “dysfunction” on your description, I knew you were the one I needed to write to. I just got rid of one nightmare boss and have apparently been blessed with another. The old boss did nothing about employee conflict. The new boss drilled in our heads that “home stays at home, work is work.” Ok, so this is what I’ve been doing, and continue to do. I’m polite to EVERY co-worker, am actual friends with a few. I always rise above conflict, jealousy, and any other seflish stab thrown in my direction. I see it for what it is and smile and go on.

Our problem where I work is that my stupid previous boss hired 3 women who are related! Two are sisters! Oh, and another is a lifelong friend (may as well be family). Kate is a cousin and has always hated me since she met me when I first started working there and she was on maternity leave and came back and realized all the girls loved me. I knew what to expect. I suffered through losing my mom to cancer, taking care of her all last year, losing my dad 2 months later, trying to work and take care of my children. On top of this, I was trying my best to keep it together and do my job. Kate, merely 2 weeks after losing my mom, ever so smoothly takes a comment I made at work and tells my boss (grossly embelished in the worst way, of course). Stupid boss believes her and confronts and belittles me about it. Kate’s list of evil deeds go on, but I won’t list them all. No, I never confronted her because I would not dignify her stunt with a response. I just kept smiling no matter what.

Present day - a friend/co-worker, Kathy, confides in me (one of the family members). She’s leaving her husband. She knows I’ve been through that and wants advice. I tried to tell her the grass was not greener; try counseling; if you have to leave, do it the right way, etc. Come to find out, he is a horrible husband. But, what does she do? She has a boyfriend on the side. Ok, well I don’t agree with this & told her so, but she’s my friend. I am not going to abandon her, especially since, by now, all of her family has found out and are turning against her. Yes, the family at work too. Massive conflict arises. I keep my cool. Put a smile on my face. So, since I am not abandoning her the way they are (cause all they care about is what people think!), I am the enemy now too. I’ve been accused of everything from orgies to telepathic control of Kathy. To her family at work and elsewhere, I have magically controlled Kathy into every “bad” thing they have accused her of doing so far. Right down to even leaving her husband!

Our new boss seemed cool. Came in, laid down the rules, etc. This was great because before, our other boss just did whatever “they” wanted and we had to suffer. New boss seemed so professional, ethical, and “no funny business” guy. I thought this was great because now I can actually just work and smile and if anything else gets started, he will not stand for it. But now, the other family that works there have gone to him, telling him every juicy piece of gossip, assumption, and judgement they have conjured up amongst themselves about Kathy and me and her personal life, right up to her texting Kate some bad things over the weekend! Even showed him the texts! Over the WEEKEND! And many other very personal issues that have nothing to do with work. At this point, a professional boss would have told Kate that this was very unethical, was personal business, and had no place at work and that she needed to get back to her job and drop the issue. Nope - he proceeds to send Kathy to H.R. where the H.R. lady continues to delve into and give her the 3rd degree about her personal life - even asking about her text messages over the weekend!! What?!! My boss today, very angrily commented to another friend of our’s at work that the family is mad because she let the newly divorced Kathy and her boyfriend at the time come over to her house and “get it on” (something she NEVER did!) and many other “heresay” comments. And he’s been rude to me for no reason and has not once asked me anything - as if he just takes their word for everything as the law.

I can’t take anymore. I’ve suffered through losing my mom AND my dad!! AND having to deal with unfair treatment at work when all I have done is be professional and kind to everyone no matter what. I even had Kate confront me a while back and I just looked at her and said “I don’t have to justify myself to you” and walked away. And I’ve been nice to her ever since STILL. My question is, has my boss and H.R. broken the law in any way? How can they drill a person about their actions on the weekend for goodness sake? Or any other time, for that matter, that does not concern work? This is unethical, to say the least, and just HAS to be illegal! Apart from breaking the law myself, my actions outside of work have nothing to do with work! -Liz

Hi Liz.

Yes, personal relationships outside of work should be nobody’s business…unless somehow those outside relationships do impact work.

Kathy should have been the one to question both HR and the manager about the relevancy of inquiring about her weekend activities. I’m not an attorney so I cannot officially tell you if a law was broken. My gut feeling is that a “law” wasn’t broken but it still was inappropriate. I’m also guessing that HR and your manager felt that the outside behavior was having an impact at work and that they did have the right to inquire about it.

Either way Liz, that’s not where I’d put your energy. When I get called in on these type of cases, I interview everyone and quickly have a pretty good idea of what’s going on and who is responsible. Since I only have your perspective, I’m somewhat limited.

Your choices are to either 1) leave immediately, or 2) stay and bear it, or 3) stay and bear it while applying for other jobs, or 4) fight. Fighting will alienate you even more and you’ll probably never be able to win over the family members. Leave immediately is risky without a job to go to. Now we are down to applying for other jobs while still working at your present location or to just stay and bear it. Of the last two, stay and bear it won’t work very well. Look at what its doing to you now? Therefore, I’d encourage you to maintain your poker face and actively look for another job.

-Dr. Mac

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Coworker attraction

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

Dear Dr. Mac:

I am not sure you can help me, but I would really like to hear from you. I need your help. I am really clueless as to what to do and have never been in this situation before.

I have a new job and a co-worker of mine (temporarily, my team leader) seemed to fancy me from the first day we met. He’s been very helpful regarding my integration in the team in the past couple of months, but he would also come around too often and initiate small talk yet run away too soon. He’s a confident guy, but around me he seems very self-conscious. He has this way of intensely making sustained eye contact sometimes and the other day I found it a bit too aggressive. So, the day after I kind of paid less attention to him (did not ignored him though!). Surprisingly, he took it quite badly and completely ignored me on purpose, the following day. Very silly, you don’t have to tell me, but it was pretty much ostracism for a day.

The problem is: What to do now? Next week, coming back from Easter break, what to do depending on whether or not he’s going to ignore me again or act like nothing happened?

He ignored me that day and we didn’t greet nor even look at each other although we work steps away from each other. We’ll continue to work together … I am afraid this silly game has to stop. How to stop it? I was the one being totally ignored - I have never been rude to him on purpose - It’s simply not who I am. (FYI, we’re both in our 20s)

Any advice for me?

Mary Kay

Hi Mary Kay.

Thanks for writing and sharing your work scenario.

My gut feeling is this guy is attracted to you and is hoping to have more than a working relationship with you some day. I’m basing this on the childish mind games that he is playing. I also think he may be reading your signals incorrectly, thinking that maybe you are equally attracted to him. You may not be, but is it possible you could be sending such signals?

Mary Kay, I’m going to assume that you do not have feelings for him nor an attraction that goes beyond the workplace. Given that, I think it is important for you to set the record straight with him regarding your work relationship and your expectations around that. The key here is to clear up any mixed messages and create clarity on what this relationship needs to be. I do believe these mixed messages are what’s causing the problem; and the only way to stop the mixed messages, as mentioned, is by defining the relationship and clearing up any misconceptions.

My suggestion would be to initiate getting a cup of coffee together (out of the office) with him. Once you are sitting down and have his attention, share with him that you’ve been feeling a little awkward around him and wanted to make sure you were both on the same page regarding your working relationship. Tell him that you enjoy working with him and hope that the both of you can continue to maintain a professional relationship. Then ask him how he feels about that. Let him know that this job is important to you and that it is equally important to you to have professional boundaries with your work relationships. At this point he’ll either be relieved or disappointed.

Lastly, and if it feels right, bring up an example or two regarding the silent treatment and ask him what was going on. I mention this because he may not be aware of this behavior pattern and by bringing it up, you are also making him accountable for those actions.

I could go on but hopefully you got the idea.

Let me know if you do in fact have this conversation and how it goes.

-Dr. Mac

Hello Dr. Mac,

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your thoughts.

Yes, in fact, I have no doubt he is attracted to me because he shows all the signs he does. To be honest, I do kind of like him too, but as a new employee, I haven’t been focusing much on anything else other than work. Besides, I know he’s single.

About the mixed signals, all I can say is that I am usually a friendly, nice person. What I think is causing the problem is him wanting my attention too much and probably feeling disappointed or even hurt that he did not get what he wanted. I keep my boundaries and again, my focus is on work.

Your coffee suggestion is a real good one, but I am afraid it won’t happen anytime soon and either way, it probably isn’t a good idea for now as I haven’t had a coffee or even dinner with any other co-worker this far, due to our different work schedules.

However, it’s simply inconceivable to go back to what it used to be before that “silent treatment day” without a discussing it one-on-one first, as you suggest.

I am planning to see how he’s acting next week and behave accordingly. Though, I honestly hope the silent treatment has stopped. I am not sure what I am going to do if he continues to play childish mind games… Go up to him and ask “what’s up?” or wait for him to stop? This happened this week and we won’t be seeing each other at work for a week.

FYI, I believe he was VERY aware of his behavior (silent treatment). Trust me he really seemed like he was doing it on purpose, very rude. Yet, I should probably not blame him given I could’ve handled it better.

Thanks again for anything you would like to add.

Mary Kay

Ah, the plot thickens.

Mary Kay, keep in mind that others probably sense something is going on as well. Because of that, you are better off clearing things up asap instead of waiting. And it doesn’t matter if he is the first one at the company you are having coffee with or not. This dynamic you two have going on is not healthy for either of you or for the company. Nip it in the butt before you become part of the gossip around the office.

Even if you have an interest in him, you’d be better off postponing crossing that line until you have been at the company a little while longer. And even then, strict rules would have to apply so your personal relationship doesn’t interfere with your work relationship.

Also, the silent treatment is not a good sign. If it shows up in the work place, I can only imagine what would happen if you two were dating and you got into a fight. Be a 100% sure you want to explore a personal relationship before you venture out.

In conclusion, sooner is better than later regarding clearing things up. For now I suggest telling him that you need to establish yourself at work right now and would appreciate his support on that. Also make sure he understands that the silent treatment is not acceptable and impacts more than you at the office.

Dr. Mac

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Lazy coworker

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

Dr. Mac,

I share duties with a coworker who has been getting lazier and unbearable with each passing week. She had a baby in November and the entire small company told me to cut her slack, not push her to meet deadlines, and do her work for her because she’s “stressed with her newborn” How is this not discrimination? Because I have no children I’m told to finish her projects. She was allowed to work from home 2 days a week where she sleeps all day! I call to check up on her work progress and she is never done with anything. I can do one project in a few hours, with her it takes days, and it is never done correctly. The big issue is my work hours. I have been working 12 hour days for a month because of this and I have crashed and burned. There are “talks to her” but nothing ever happens.

Do I throw in the towel and quit? The management is completely wimpy about firing people. I am paid very poorly for doing the work of 3 people and I deserve better. Should I go over the department head’s head and go straight to the owners to tell them one more time it’s just getting worse, even though my department head is trying to manage but doing a poor job?

This tremendous stress over the past 10 months has taken a huge toll on me. I used to love my job and now I can’t bear to drag myself out of bed to go to work.

-Troubled Terri

Hi Terri.

Tough situation.

My suggestion would be to request a meeting with the owner and your immediate manager to discuss the situation. This way you are respectfully including the major players. But, before you do this, you need to have a prepared diagnosis of the problem complete with a proposed solution or two. In other words, you will need to do your homework first.

In your preparation, identify, using bullet points, the major problem and the problems that have arisen as result of the major problem. The major problem isn’t your coworker slacking, by the way. The major problem is your company’s tolerance of the slacking. It will be important for you to explain how this “tolerance” has created problems across the board, including setting up a precedent of acceptable behavior for future employees who choose to have a baby while working at the company. Lastly, is the toll this problem has taken on your mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Of course you never want to point out a problem without having a solution to go with it. You’ll have to come up with these yourself, but your solutions are the most important part, so don’t take these lightly. If your superiors are afraid of getting sued by the woman in question for discrimination, then one of the things that needs to be done is to talk with an employment law attorney to get council on this particular issue. I know that if a protected class employee is unable to do the work that they were hired to do, even with reasonable accommodations, then there is a problem and the company has the right to address the situation.

If things don’t progress to your satisfaction, you always have the option of applying for other positions outside of the company and eventually leaving once you are able to secure employment at another company. You could be doing that now while this whole thing plays out. Your call.

Let me know if any of this helps.

-Dr. Mac

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Performance issues with a coworker/former classmate

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

Dear Dr.Mac,

I am Raul.

I have a coworker who was my classsmate. I have been working a year at our company before he joined.

The problem is he never responds to any emails I send; never delivers or met the deadlines; and always has an excuse. I am a person who likes my work to be done on time. My boss is a good man, but I do not want to go and complain to him about my coworker. I truly believe that my manager has an idea of what’s going on but I am not certain. I’m afraid that my coworker may have brainwashed him into believing he’s doing his job. Can you advice me please.

-Raul

Hi Raul.

Uncomfortable situation, isn’t it?

You have a few options:

Option 1: Do nothing and hope his poor work ethic catches up with him. If your boss knows what’s going on, it will just be a matter of time until he addresses it.

Option 2: Use the friendship angle and ask him what’s going on out of care and consideration for him. Something like, “Are you doing okay? I ask because I’ve noticed you’re missing deadlines, etc., and I don’t want you to get in trouble with the boss.”

Option 3: Diplomatically talk with your boss. Ask him for advice on how you might be able to address some of your concerns with your coworker about missing deadlines, etc. This way you are not complaining but merely seeking assistance.

I would probably start with option 1, then go to option 2 if nothing happens and finally to option 3 if I end up getting nowhere with the first two options. What you don’t want to do is go to option 3 before 1 or 2. You always want to give people an opportunity to improve before escalating a problem to the next level.

Hope this helps a bit.

-Dr. Mac

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I think I screwed up…

Friday, January 9th, 2009

Dear Dr Mac,

I have made a blunder at work and feel awful. I distance myself from gossip and tittle tattle but last week I spoke behind someones back and there have been big repercussions.

A female colleague has started a relationship with a male colleague and has apparentlyn been quite graphic in her description of his prowess in the bedroom and personal physical attributes. Until last week I only knew that they were involved and was simply happy for them. I was also aware they didn’t want the boss to find out.

In light of this I found it funny when a close work friend told me that the boss had told her privately “Have you heard the latest– %£$%$”% is a wildman between the sheets”. Within minutes I had shared this with another colleague who in turn told the female colleague involved. I was then confronted and asked to explain who told me what, which I did.

The atmosphere at work has been cool for the past few days. I have been told I have lost her trust by my work friend. Several other people have been to tell me they didn’t like ther sexual talk in the staffroom but that makes little difference to me. I blabbed without thinking because I simply found it funny that the boss was fully versed with the intimate goings on when the couple in question beleived him not to know.

My wife is encouraging me to forget about it and laugh it off which I am trying to do but I have a heavy feeling of regret and shame. The lady I passed the gossip to was someone I thought I could trust but I now know she can’t abide gossip. Fair enough!

I suspect I have lost a good friend on the staff and that my reputation among many others could be tarnished and that I may be labelled a gossiper who can’t be trusted.

I will be wiser in future and will neither tell or allow myself be told. I will apologise to my friend and accept she can’t trust me but I want to move on without beating myself up. I’m not a bad guy and hate the fact that I may have foolishly and suddenly become one. I am very sensitive to the views of others.

-Leroy

Leroy,

You are accepting responsibility for something that never would have occurred had your women-friend not opened her mouth and shared personal, intimate information about the other male coworker. If she was really being truthful, she would accept full blame for ever opening her mouth in the first place. You were one person in a chain of employees who said something. It just so happened your name was the one brought up to this woman.

If this woman continues to project her embarrassment about the gossip towards you and other coworkers, then she clearly doesn’t get it. She needs to be looking in the mirror. I’m also guessing the coworker who is dating her doesn’t appreciate her making comments in the first place about him.

Leroy, you learned your lesson about contributing to the gossip chain. However, don’t beat yourself up. This woman is not the type of friend that you should lose any sleep over. Her close friends need to pull her aside and level with her. She creates her own problems. Show me an office that won’t pass on gossip like the gossip you passed on. That’s like putting a piece of cheese out for a mouse and expecting the mouse to simply ignore it.

Let it go. I agree with your wife, your coworker is not worth spending any energy on.

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Posted in Problem with a peer | Post a Question | No Comments »

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