Thanks for your question and back story. Let me throw some thoughts in.

Had Kim remembered that you said you were going to lunch, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because the situation wouldn’t have occurred. I’m also picking up that you are a very conscientious, dedicated and productive worker. And I’m guessing that there won’t be many situations where you’d be in a position to be confronted by your team leader again, mainly because you don’t seem the type to make many mistakes. I mention this because one option would be for you to chalk this incident up as a misunderstanding that’s been corrected and let it go. After all, you’ve only been there for a month and you may want to get a broader perspective of who your team lead is and how she “manages” others, instead of basing your opinion on this one incident. In other words, lets see how all of this evolves over a period of time and if the problem re-surfaces, then by all means address it.

However, if it goes away, you’ll be glad you held off on confronting this. If, on the other hand, this bothers you so much that it begins to negatively impact your working relationship with your team lead and you cannot let it go, then I’d suggest you do address it with her. The best way is to bring up the “misunderstanding” and to a) make sure she realizes that you did in fact notify Kim that you had left for lunch; and b) ask her, as a favor, to bring any future issues that she might have regarding you to you privately instead of in the open office environment. Tell her why this is important to you and thank her for her willingness to collaborate with you on this issue.

Go to www.askdrmac.com and print out the “Eight Simples Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships. It is free and has additional tips you may want to consider. Hope this helps.

I don’t think you are over-reacting at all. The act was immature and it was an invasion of privacy. Granted, these women were having fun and felt it was harmless, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior.

In this situation, the onus is now on your fiance to establish some boundaries with his coworkers between his personal and professional life. He doesn’t have to go overboard, but the cell phone is a great example here of personal property where a boundary should exist. It may be fun now to play with coworker’s cell phones and tease each other about personal information, but should a work relationship go astray, all that personal information that was once freely exchanged can backfire and be used for hurtful and detrimental reasons. I’m not trying to be an alarmist, but your fiance is better off not even putting himself at risk. There are many ways to have fun at work and connect with colleagues without having to cross that personal line.

If her boss doesn’t care how your supervisor treats you (which would be sad if that is really true), then I can see three options.

Option 1: Talking to your supervisor directly, as mentioned, is your best bet.

Option 2: Do your best at work and let go of worrying or thinking about the lying. You have to choose your battles and this may not be one of them.

Option 3: Begin applying for other jobs and eventually leave. I would suggest holding off on leaving until you feel you’ve tried everything you could possibly could do. Plus, given this economy, it would be better to already have a job before leaving this one.

Julie, if you do end up talking to your supervisor, I wouldn’t accuse her of lying. Instead, point out the contrary information and ask her if maybe you misunderstood her by accident. This gives her an out and will make her much less defensive and more willing to talk about it. However, if she feels like you are calling her a lier in any way, you will get her wrath and your relationship with her will be even worse than it is now. Not a place you want to be. I hope I’ve given you something to think about. Consider reading my article, “Eight Simple Rules to Resolving Conflict and Improving Relationships” on my website: www.askdrmac.com. It is free.

You are probably right when you say Ron has good intentions. My guess is that he feels like he’s making a worthwhile contribution to others, especially you, by helping out, even if his help is uninvited. And it really is the “uninvited” part that is bugging you the most, along with the occasional attitude that comes with his help. Am I on track here?

If it is easier for you to confront/provide feedback to Ron while he is in the midst of correcting something of yours, then by all means do it that way. The disadvantage is that you might be in a state of anger or frustration at that moment and your comments might be construed as an attack instead of open and honest feedback. Emotions can do that.

Personally, I’d suggest taking him on when there isn’t as much at stake (i.e., when you are at lunch or sitting around together) because emotions will be in check and you won’t have to begin by correcting his behavior. Either way, my advice would be to start your conversation by thanking him for looking after you and pointing out mistakes. I’d then follow that up with a request to hold off on the feedback/making corrections from this point on unless you specifically ask for his input. Let him know that this way you won’t have to rely on him as much and, as a result, can begin to learn all these things on your own. Be sure to thank him again one more time for going out of his way to help you and assure him you’ll be coming to him with further questions.

Stan, you could have this same conversation in the heat of the moment when Ron is correcting you for something. But as I mentioned, if you are riled up, you message won’t be as clear. Your call.

My sense is that this will not go away for you until you say something. Your frustration is growing by the day and your anger is starting to seep in. Just letting it go is not going to alleviate those growing feelings, and I think you know that. In fact, I believe that telling your coworkers about your observations was an attempt to get heard and validated. Unfortunately, your supervisor didn’t see a problem with your assertions. Of course that was after hearing it from a coworker instead of from you. I should mention here that expecting a coworker to explain the problem to your supervisor without hearing from you, with your expertise, experience, and first-hand knowledge, is a problem in and of itself. Truthfully, only you have the credibility to spell out the concern, not someone representing you.

My suggestion would be to offer your assistance and/or advice to the unethical employee, and let him decide if he wants to tap into your knowledge base on this project. If you can ease yourself into this process, you can have an influencing role in the outcome and be seen as a “team” player. A win-win for all sides. If you simply blow the whistle (which could be a last resort), you will be facing an uphill battle which will also, as you mentioned, call your motives into question.

Scott, when you turned down the opportunity to stay with the project, you also turned down being responsible for the outcome of the project. If you are unsuccessful in partnering with the unethical employee, your choices are to let it go or blow the whistle. My gut feeling is that you should have taken the position when it was offered to you. I base this on the fact that you are having difficulty letting this go. That is why I don’t think that is a reality.

In summary, attempt to partner on this project by offering your help and advice. If that works, do your best to teach and role model what needs to be done instead of criticize and judge. If you help is not taken advantage of, then tell the unethical employee about your concerns and your intent to take the matter to a higher source. This is the respectful thing to do versus doing this behind his back. He needs a chance to correct the situation before you blow the whistle. Hopefully you won’t have to go there.

What your situation calls for is a clearer definition of job duties and responsibilities. It is not unusual for there to be some confusion over who does what when things are not spelled out.

My advice would be to ask your supervisor for some guidance on defining the boundaries of your responsibilities in order to help you better define your priorities. By asking for guidance instead of complaining, you demonstrate your willingness to be a team player. And yes, it is the responsibility of the supervisor to create the clarity that you need. Given that, you still will need to bring the issue up.

Anne, one final thought (or red flag for me). I’d let go of the “I am more educated” point that you’ve made a couple of times in your description of the problem. You want to bridge the gap between you and your coworkers, not widen it. Look for commonalities, not differences. That is what teamwork is all about.

Lastly, once things are better defined for you, let your supervisor worry about the work ethic of your coworkers so that you can put your energy into your work. That is what he/she is paid to do.

I need some additional information to help me better understand your situation:

1. What exactly are your coworkers doing that gives you the impression that you are not being respected?
2. Are all coworkers treating you with no respect or just some of them?
3. Explain to me what you meant by, “Coworkers that don’t even rich my knees…” I’m having trouble following that statement.
4. Are you contributing to the problem in any way? If I were to talk with your coworkers, would they have any complaints about you?

Leonida, in order to give you the best advice, it would be helpful to hear your responses to the questions above. With that said, let me take a shot at what to do about changing your relationships with your coworkers.

First, the easiest way to get away from pack behavior (where your coworkers collectively are treating you with disrespect) is by forming unique, individual relationships with each coworker. Do this by:
* Taking a personal interest in each coworker.
* Going out of your way to help anyone that needs help.
* Thanking coworkers when they help you.
* Chit-chating a little more, i.e., “how was your weekend?”
* Sharing a little more about yourself with others.
* Avoiding saying negative things about another coworker behind their back.
* Addressing any problems or concerns that others might have that involve you.
* Offering suggestions and asking for suggestions on how to work more effectively together.

The point is, actively engage in your work relationships instead if disengaging.

Second, talk with your supervisor about this and seek out his/her advice. Oftentimes coworkers go to the supervisor to complain about another employee. Ask your supervisor if he/she has heard any feedback about your from your coworkers or if he/she has some direct feedback for you about the work you do and how well you work with others.

Leonida, forming individual relationships and seeking out advice and feedback from your supervisor are steps I’d recommend either way, regardless how you would answer my initial questions. In December, I’ll be co-hosting the Ask Dr. Mac talk radio show on www.latalkradio.com, an internet radio station. We’ll be taking callers who want advice and council on workplace issues. Consider calling in to the show if you have more questions. Hope this helps a little.

Wow, a loaded scenario to be sure. Let me address as much as I can.

It sounds like you don’t really work directly with Mary yourself, but are concerned because: a) one of Mary’s coworkers shared her assertion with you that Mary is lying on her time cards, and b) Mary has access to your social security number and other sensitive payroll information and you are not sure you trust her with that information. Is that correct?

The truth is, the time card issue is really up to Mary’s coworker to take on or not take on. For you, it is second-hand information and therefore not really your place to address. But let’s talk a little bit about the time card issue just the same. Typically, a supervisor has to sign off on time cards before turning them in. The reason for that is so that he/she can pick up on any mistakes or reporting errors. Even overtime typically has to be authorized. Given that, the system should eventually catch any time card abuses, forcing Mary to have to explain her recorded hours with her supervisor, which is really where this conversation should take place anyway. What I’m saying here is that Mary’s coworker should only take this on if:

a) there is no check-and-balance system in place to catch the abuse, and
b) she can prove that Mary is lying on her time cards.

If both are true, then she should go forward with this. If both are not true, then there is no point in wasting too much energy on this. The truth is, Mary is playing a dangerous game by dating the supervisor two levels above her and continuously filing racial discrimination complaints. These things rarely go unnoticed and eventually blow up in one way or another.

Lastly, always consider having a confidential conversation with HR for advice and guidance. They can usually tell you how something like this would play out and the best way to proceed if it makes sense to move forward with this concern. Hope that helps a bit.

I enjoyed your use of vocabulary. Impressive. Regarding your situation, you may only need a short-term fix since your co-worker is treading on very dangerous ground by dating your boss. My guess is that others in the office have a problem with that as well. Rarely do I see those type of situations play out well in the long run.

Your first responsibility in this situation is to your relationship with the co-worker in question. By that I mean that you have an obligation to address your concerns with her directly. This would let her know that you will assert yourself if need be and hold her accountable for her part in your working relationship. You also don’t want to lower yourself to her level of communication. In other words, don’t give her any material that she can use against you with you-know-who. I think you can be very innocent and subtle in your approach. Something as simple as, “Is there something I’m doing that is bothering you?” can do wonders and it is easy to say. A question like this opens the door and, instead of an attack, it put the onus on her to give you feedback. Keep in mind that there might in fact be something you are doing that is sparking the dynamics. If that is the case, listen to the feedback and merely thank her for it (since you asked). Then you can consider later if it is feedback that your can agree with or not.

Addressing the dynamics between the two of you is the most effective approach for the reasons already stated above. If you don’t do that, you pretty much reinforce the current dynamics because saying nothing is essentially an endorsement of the status quo. That’s my two cents for now. You are the new guy so tread lightly.

In any newly formed working relationship, there is bound to be some role confusion going on. Consider this to be an opportunity to clarify roles and responsibilities instead of thinking anything bad about having to do this. In a perfect world, your supervisor would have spelled out all the roles and responsibilities right about the time you came in. Usually for new employees, that is a very common thing to do. Given that, it is never too late.

Allow me to first answer your questions, although I may be speculating a bit.

First, I don’t know why it appears you are being “dumped” on. It is best in this case to find out before assuming anything.

Second, if the tables were reversed, would you want your co-worker to come to you first or go to the supervisor? I’m guessing that you’d appreciate having the opportunity to clear something up yourself before someone goes to the supervisor. By going to the supervisor, you would be bypassing your colleague and getting into that “parent-child” dynamic where the kids go to the parents to solve a problem with a sibling instead of trying to solve it first themselves. Hence, you will want to try to address/resolve the problem or misunderstanding yourself with the co-worker in question. It is also the most respectful thing you could do and it demonstrates that you will stand up for yourself and assert yourself if need be. Both good messages to send.

Third, you are better off clearing up the issue of “delegation” in general with your co-worker now instead of waiting for the next incident to occur and then saying something. The danger in waiting is that your emotions could peak and you might say something that you could regret or say it in a way that you might regret.

Finally, go into the conversation with the intent of understanding her intent first before responding. The way to do that is to explain what has been happening, using a real example, and then asking her rationale for why she is passing these requests on to you. After she explains herself, acknowledge what she said and ask if you can suggest another way to handle these. Give your suggestion and explain why it would be helpful to you to do it this way. If that doesn’t lead to an agreement and better understanding, let her know that you’d like to also get the input of the supervisor on this issue. Only do that if it still doesn’t get resolved. Most of the time these kind of discussions are not unusual and quickly lead to mutual resolution.

What we have not answered is your comment about you co-worker being in charge “only in his absence.” Truthfully, if you resolve this and future issues as I indicated, you should not have a problem with your co-worker assuming too much responsibility over you. That will be because you have let it be know through this process that you will stand up for yourself. The key is to always be respectful and diplomatic, no matter what.

-Dr. Mac