About my new marriage…
Thursday, January 1st, 2009Dr. Mac,
I just married a girl that has changed my life. She is everything to me. About 6 years ago, she was raped outside of where she worked. Ever since then she’s been afraid of sex. She became afraid of men. She is claustrophobic. She’s always been shy from what I’ve heard. I’ve never had sex with her. She told me if she ever does it, she will wait till marriage. she’s still a virgin, disregarding what happened to her before. Since we’ve been married, we haven’t brought up anything about having sex. I would never pressure her about it. If she wants to wait a while, that’s ok with me. I’m more than willing to wait. I’m a true man of God. I can control my sexual urges. I respect women.
My question is, should I wait on her until she is ready, or should I talk to her about it; maybe she could learn to trust me even more if we did have it. We’ve been married for 2 months now. I know i sound like the typical guy who is ready for sex and not willing to wait, but I swear to you, its not true. If you have any advice, I would appreciate your help. thank you. God Bless!
-Marty
Hi Marty.
The trauma that your wife suffered will take more than a couple of months of marriage to work through. She knew you’d be understanding and that is what she needs from you right now.
With that said, this may be an issue that she needs to initially work through by herself with some professional help. You see, before she can trust you, she may have to release some of the past. In order to do so, counseling may be needed. Is she open to that idea and do you have the means to help her in that way? There are women’s groups (i.e., for women who have been raped) that might help here as well. The most important thing is to get her help or a support group. Once she is getting some kind of help around the violation that occurred, she can begin at work on trusting you. It may require taking baby steps, like beginning with very lite touch, then eventually massages, etc.
Chris, gentle discussion is one thing, pressure is another. Know that this could take a while (maybe a year or more). Work on establishing a strong friendship with verbal intimacy for now, along with exploring some help for her.
-Dr. Mac
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