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Archive for the ‘Conflict’ Category

How can you resolve conflict without communicating?

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Hi Dr. Mac!

How do you resolve a conflict when the other party refuses to talk about it? My husband shuts down whenever there is strife between us and it’s driving me crazy.
-Mary Kay

Hi Mary Kay.

It sounds like there needs to be some negotiation around how the two of you address and resolve conflict. Remember that there are two components to conflict. There is the “what,” (the conflicting issue itself), and there is the “how,” (the way you behave/communicate about the issue). By improving the “how”, you’ll instantly improve the “what”. Unfortunately, the reserve is not always true.

With that said, my advice would be to talk with your husband about “how” you do conflict together, using the following three points to guide your conversation:

a) Identify what a successful conflict resolution process would look like between the two of you. After hearing his version and sharing yours, find a common definition that works for both of you.

b) Identify all the factors/dynamics that can prevent the two of you from achieving successful conflict resolution. Be sure to avoid the blame game or finger pointing. The goal is simply to identify the challenges that can get in the way. And finally,

c) Identify what you can do together to get past any of the resistance identified in “b” so that your focus and efforts all go towards achieving what you both deemed was a successful conflict resolution goal/process (identified in “a”).

Mary Kay, this doesn’t have to be a formal conversation literally using the points I’ve identified. Just make sure that you both agree on what an effective conflict discussion looks like and what you can do to make that happen.

Lastly, your husband may be an introvert who prefers to think through the conflict in his mind before speaking with you. If that is the case, part of compromising on your end may be to give him a grace period to collect his thoughts. However, part of his compromise will be to “then” speak with you. You can’t have one without the other.

-Dr. Mac

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Employee conflict resolution

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

Hello.

I work for a large corporation as a territory sales representative. I have 6 sales associates in the state that execute the events I set up for my clients. The reporting structure is precarious as I have responsibility for the client relationship, account decision, events and how sales associates conduct events, however, the sales associates are not a direct report to me and I am not their boss. They report to a remote manager located in another state.

I am involved in the interview process and have final approval for hiring as I have to determine if any new employee would be a team player and work well with my existing team. We have hired an employee that is turning out to be an excellent sales person, consistent high sales at events but has underlying issues that are disrupting my performance as well as my teams.

My question is how do I protect myself from this employee.

I have elevated the issues I have had with this person to my boss and her direct report. I have been told they are trying to manage her out but it will be a long process and in the meantime I have to treat her as I do the rest of my staff, which is not a problem for me but this employee consistently lies about situations, is calculating and quite volitle when working under pressure.

Here are some situations that have occurred:
*Brought her children to a client event without prior permission
*Has formed an personal relationship directly with my client (know she is working to undermine relationship but can’t prove it at this time)
*Has said I have sent her emails that were inappropriate (she has been asked to provide them, don’t believe she will be able to, as I have not sent any inappropriate emails)
*Said that when we had lunch one day that I told her I wanted to get rid of my entire staff and replace them with people like her (Completely a fabricated lie)
*Has had 3 seperate situations where the client has contacted me because she got in a fight with one of their employees, was rude to a customer, and argued with staff.

I need advice on how to protect myself when communicating, interacting and working with her in my territory. Should I be tape recording all conversations? Moving forward my boss wants me to have limited contact with her….which I agree. But her boss is telling me that I need to treat her the same as my other staff, if I call them, I need to call her but I can not trust that she will not fabricate some lie if the conversation is not witnessed.

-Terry

Hi Terry. Thanks for writing.

I believe you stated that both your supervisor and the employee in question’s supervisor both instructed you to treat her in the same fashion as you would treat the other staff members. This is good advice. You never want to single out a particular employee and treat them differently than you would the rest of the staff. Such behavior would suggest that you are picking on that person, evident by the fact that you are treating them differently from everyone else. And this includes talking to “her direct reports” about her.

Terry, I do have to ask you a question here before continuing on. Is there anything that you are not telling me about your relationship with this particular employee? I ask for two reasons. First, it seems a bit odd to me that a new employee would engage in the level of lying that you stated in your letter, especially so early in their employment. I’m wondering if her behavior is a reaction or retaliation to something that might have happened between you and her. I also picked up on some anger on your part. Is there something I’m missing here? I am also wondering if you have attempted to talk with the employee yourself about your concerns? And what about the complaints you mentioned you received about her from your clients? Have those been addressed? Finally, is it your responsibility to bring such issues up to her or is her direct supervisor supposed to do that?

Here is what I would suggest you do, based on the limited information I have at this point:

Initiate a meeting between you, the employee in question, and both supervisors. Use this meeting to air out all issues and concerns that have emerged, with the intent of working thru any issue that needs to be worked out. What’s important here to make sure all parties are on the same page in regards to establishing expectations on professionalism, conduct, and productivity.

The other advantage of having such a meeting is that it provides an opportunity for additional documentation should you need it in case the employee’s behavior does not improve. But let’s hope that is not necessary.

-Dr. Mac

It’s not my problem

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Dear Dr. Mac,

What steps should you take if you find yourself in the midst of a conflict? What advice do you have for co-workers who may not be directly part of the conflict but still suffer from the tension it’s caused? What happens if conflict goes to the extreme — with yelling and insults? Is this something that can be managed by HR, or is this situation too big for them to handle?

-Conflicted Casey

Dear Conflicted Casey,

Your question raises a number of points I’d like to make regarding workplace conflict and where responsibility lies:

1) The supervisor/manager of a department has the responsibility to: a) establish a work environment where conflict and disagreements are handled constructively, b) intervene in situations that are not being handled constructively, c) role model effective conflict resolution strategies, and d) know when to seek outside help in cases where he/she need assistance.

2) The conflicting parties have a responsibility to: a) take their concerns directly to each other, first and foremost, b) address their concerns with each other in a respectful and constructive manner, c) not involve their peers unless their peers are directly involved, and d) seek out third party assistance (supervisor or HR or mutually trusted and objective peer) in cases where one or both parties are fearful, uncomfortable, angry or unable to work out a solution or compromise.

3) The work group (peers) also has a responsibility to: a) ensure that conflicting parties talk to each other directly, b) not tolerate destructive conflict on the team, regardless of who is involved, c) establish and abide by norms that reinforce constructive conflict, and d) avoid taking sides unless directly involved.

4) HR’s role is to assess whether or not the manager and the work group have the skill set necessary to manage conflict effectively. If they do, then HR needs to stay out of it. If they don’t, then HR should either step in or contact an outside third party to intervene. HR also should make sure that both the manager and work group get the necessary training/team building to help them develop the skills in the future.

5) As mentioned in the attached article, the performance review process also needs to evaluate the necessary conflict resolution and communication skills so that there is an additional incentive for employees and management to not only practice these skills but to be held accountable to them as well.

Conflict itself isn’t a bad thing; its how the conflict is handled (or not handled) that ultimately determines whether it ends up being a positive or negative experience.

-Dr. Mac