About six months after I was at my current job, a new supervisor started. I began working with her on a project that I had started working on months before. She’s a couple years younger than I am. I became really attracted to her very quickly. For weeks I just tried to ignore how I feel, but I couldn’t. When we were working together on our project, or even when I was working on something else not with her, or during conference calls, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about her or even looking over toward her. I know that’s so not right.

The feelings were so strong that for a long time I was considering trying to find another position in the same organization or in another organization altogether. It was a shame too, because my past two jobs were difficult workplaces, and I finally found a place where I enjoy working and doing what I do, and that came up. It felt like my heart was jumping out of my body sometimes, the feeling was so strong and so foreign to me.

I was unable to ignore how I felt, and was not sure at all that I wanted to. Yet I couldn’t do anything about it, and I know that. The last thing I wanted to do at the time is jeopardize either of our jobs.

Fast foward a year. By this point I had long fallen in love with her and while I knew that I had to wait until we no longer worked together, my hopes were increasing. Comments made about her still being single (she had only lived in the area six months by this point) only increased those hopes. I had never gotten along with anyone so well before, and the amount she seemed interested in me and remembered little details about me and my family from months before impressed me and suggested maybe she might feel the same.

So of course, this is the part of the story when disaster strikes, right? This story is no different. I knew that two years, after our temporary appointments were over, would be too late. One Monday morning, she shared news with our entire department that she’s engaged. My heart absolutely sunk. But at the same time, it didn’t hit me until months later. I didn’t talk to her for a full week, but gradually I did again, because I honestly had no choice given our positions. It started to hit me a little in August of that year. She was married in September.

Now I still work with her, as I said before. My feelings have not gone away in the least. We still talk constantly, that hasn’t changed, and that only makes things worse. I’ve had the hardest time, and I still can’t accept or even believe that she’s married. When her email address was changed to her new last name in January, it was very painful - I didn’t want to see that name in my inbox all the time. It hasn’t even sunk in yet.

It feels like someone ripped my heart out of my body, threw it into the Grand Canyon, and just for good measure, stomped all over it and ran it through a shredder a million times. I’ve been strong around her, but while talking to her Friday afternoon, my worst fear started to happen - I started falling apart in front of her. I couldn’t look at her, I think she saw some tears, but I can’t control any of it. How we even still get along so well is beyond me.

I need this pain to go away. To my surprise and complete dismay, it has only gotten worse as time goes on. I’ve thought about telling Jen how I felt, of course not wanting or expecting anything to come of it other than hoping that it would take away some of the pain… but that will likely make things worse. I’m pretty much stuck at a dead-end and I just can’t take the pain anymore.

I know I have to move on, but I don’t know how. -Nick

Thanks for writing Nick.

-Dr. Mac
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