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Evil Coworkers!

When I read “dysfunction” on your description, I knew you were the one I needed to write to. I just got rid of one nightmare boss and have apparently been blessed with another. The old boss did nothing about employee conflict. The new boss drilled in our heads that “home stays at home, work is work.” Ok, so this is what I’ve been doing, and continue to do. I’m polite to EVERY co-worker, am actual friends with a few. I always rise above conflict, jealousy, and any other seflish stab thrown in my direction. I see it for what it is and smile and go on.

Our problem where I work is that my stupid previous boss hired 3 women who are related! Two are sisters! Oh, and another is a lifelong friend (may as well be family). Kate is a cousin and has always hated me since she met me when I first started working there and she was on maternity leave and came back and realized all the girls loved me. I knew what to expect. I suffered through losing my mom to cancer, taking care of her all last year, losing my dad 2 months later, trying to work and take care of my children. On top of this, I was trying my best to keep it together and do my job. Kate, merely 2 weeks after losing my mom, ever so smoothly takes a comment I made at work and tells my boss (grossly embelished in the worst way, of course). Stupid boss believes her and confronts and belittles me about it. Kate’s list of evil deeds go on, but I won’t list them all. No, I never confronted her because I would not dignify her stunt with a response. I just kept smiling no matter what.

Present day - a friend/co-worker, Kathy, confides in me (one of the family members). She’s leaving her husband. She knows I’ve been through that and wants advice. I tried to tell her the grass was not greener; try counseling; if you have to leave, do it the right way, etc. Come to find out, he is a horrible husband. But, what does she do? She has a boyfriend on the side. Ok, well I don’t agree with this & told her so, but she’s my friend. I am not going to abandon her, especially since, by now, all of her family has found out and are turning against her. Yes, the family at work too. Massive conflict arises. I keep my cool. Put a smile on my face. So, since I am not abandoning her the way they are (cause all they care about is what people think!), I am the enemy now too. I’ve been accused of everything from orgies to telepathic control of Kathy. To her family at work and elsewhere, I have magically controlled Kathy into every “bad” thing they have accused her of doing so far. Right down to even leaving her husband!

Our new boss seemed cool. Came in, laid down the rules, etc. This was great because before, our other boss just did whatever “they” wanted and we had to suffer. New boss seemed so professional, ethical, and “no funny business” guy. I thought this was great because now I can actually just work and smile and if anything else gets started, he will not stand for it. But now, the other family that works there have gone to him, telling him every juicy piece of gossip, assumption, and judgement they have conjured up amongst themselves about Kathy and me and her personal life, right up to her texting Kate some bad things over the weekend! Even showed him the texts! Over the WEEKEND! And many other very personal issues that have nothing to do with work. At this point, a professional boss would have told Kate that this was very unethical, was personal business, and had no place at work and that she needed to get back to her job and drop the issue. Nope - he proceeds to send Kathy to H.R. where the H.R. lady continues to delve into and give her the 3rd degree about her personal life - even asking about her text messages over the weekend!! What?!! My boss today, very angrily commented to another friend of our’s at work that the family is mad because she let the newly divorced Kathy and her boyfriend at the time come over to her house and “get it on” (something she NEVER did!) and many other “heresay” comments. And he’s been rude to me for no reason and has not once asked me anything - as if he just takes their word for everything as the law.

I can’t take anymore. I’ve suffered through losing my mom AND my dad!! AND having to deal with unfair treatment at work when all I have done is be professional and kind to everyone no matter what. I even had Kate confront me a while back and I just looked at her and said “I don’t have to justify myself to you” and walked away. And I’ve been nice to her ever since STILL. My question is, has my boss and H.R. broken the law in any way? How can they drill a person about their actions on the weekend for goodness sake? Or any other time, for that matter, that does not concern work? This is unethical, to say the least, and just HAS to be illegal! Apart from breaking the law myself, my actions outside of work have nothing to do with work! -Liz

Hi Liz.

Yes, personal relationships outside of work should be nobody’s business…unless somehow those outside relationships do impact work.

Kathy should have been the one to question both HR and the manager about the relevancy of inquiring about her weekend activities. I’m not an attorney so I cannot officially tell you if a law was broken. My gut feeling is that a “law” wasn’t broken but it still was inappropriate. I’m also guessing that HR and your manager felt that the outside behavior was having an impact at work and that they did have the right to inquire about it.

Either way Liz, that’s not where I’d put your energy. When I get called in on these type of cases, I interview everyone and quickly have a pretty good idea of what’s going on and who is responsible. Since I only have your perspective, I’m somewhat limited.

Your choices are to either 1) leave immediately, or 2) stay and bear it, or 3) stay and bear it while applying for other jobs, or 4) fight. Fighting will alienate you even more and you’ll probably never be able to win over the family members. Leave immediately is risky without a job to go to. Now we are down to applying for other jobs while still working at your present location or to just stay and bear it. Of the last two, stay and bear it won’t work very well. Look at what its doing to you now? Therefore, I’d encourage you to maintain your poker face and actively look for another job.

-Dr. Mac

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 6:29 pm and is filed under Problem with a peer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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